islam_qa_en_7349.pdf

7/28/2019 islam_qa_en_7349.pdf

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S uffering From P sychological P roblem : Fear of M arriage


I w ant to m arry. I w ish I have a good w ife to live w ith in happiness and

satisfaction, to have a loving relationship w ith, to pray at night w ith, her to bem y source of com fort and I be her shelter. I am a m an w ho lives w ith a big

fear of m arriage and w om en. I live in shyness and tim idity. I feel I need to

m arry for som e tim e now , m y parents are persisting but I am too shy to say I

w ant to m arry. A lthough I feel like I w ant to scream and say I w ant to m arry.

I feel that I have m ade m y shyness and doubts about m y sexual abilities a

barrier betw een m e and m arriage. Y es, I w ould love to get m arried. I do not

know w hy I run aw ay from m arriage, is it because I fear failing a lot orbecause I am not confident? I am a hesitant person as for the m atters of

buying and selling. I grew up in a conservative fam ily; I rarely hear any talk

about sex or even references to it. A lthough I hear a lot how our relatives

talk to their sons about sex and m ake jokes, and the sons feel free to

express them selves about sex and m arriage.

I fear a lot I fail sexually in m y m arital life; I even w ent to have a fertility test,

blood tests and other sim ilar things. I do not know if it is m y fear of m arriage

or m y desire to stay aw ay from it. S om e of the investigations m ade m e

doubt m yself even m ore, yet, I still feel it is not the investigations that m ake

m e hesitant to m arry, it is m y fear of it m ore than anything else. E very tim e I

intend to talk to m y fam ily about m y m arriage I feel terrified.

S ince m y childhood, to be honest, I have convinced m yself that it is

im possible for m e to m arry, and that I w ill stay lonely until I die. If anyone

asks m e about w hen I intend to m arry, I im m ediately answ er saying: in

paradise . I feel that this has been im printed onto m y subconscious.

I w ant to m arry, by A llah I w ant to m arry. M y fear of w om en and failing stays

as a barrier betw een m e and m arriage. A lso I cannot im agine that I am

having intercourse w ith a w om an, I cannot im agine that I am sleeping and

travelling w ith a w om an, all these m atters stay as barriers betw een m e and

m arriage.

I encouraged m yself som e tim e ago and talked to m y fam ily, and they

engaged a girl to m e and her fam ily approved. B ut w hen the tim e to m eet

her cam e, I felt big fear from the w hole m atter, and then said to m y fam ily

that I do not w ant to m arry this girl.

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I am over thirty years old now . I feel helpless although the hope is there. I

feel hesitant although I have a great desire to m arry. I am badly affected by

m y problem ; I saw m any psychiatrists com plaining from m y great w orry and

depression. They all said to m e I have to take tablets, w hile they do not feelm y suffering.

E xcept the last psychiatrist, he really put his hand on the root of the

problem , w hich is m y great fear of w om en, m arriage, failing, and sex.

P lease guide m e. I need your advice and guidance. I w ant to destroy these

barriers betw een m e and m arriage. A ny w ord, negative or positive, w ill

affect m e a lot. I need w ho takes m y hand to rest, com fort and m arital

happiness.

P raise be to A llaah.

Y ou m ay be certain that w e understand your problem and feel

your pain, and that any M uslim in this w orld is our brother and w hat befalls

him affects us too. W e feel his joy if he rejoices and w e feel his sorrow if

he grieves. W e w ill try to offer you a solution because w e share your pain,so that you m ay be rid of this problem quickly, in sha A llaah.

Y ou should realize that you are not the only one in this

w orld w ho has problem s and suffers w orries, anxiety and depression. R ight

now you are facing a test from A llaah, and this test requires you to do som e

things so that you m ay learn from it and em erge from this calam ity w ith

m any

great benefits. These things include the follow ing:

1 ‒ Think positively of A llaah, for H e has only decreed this

thing for you for a reason that is know n to H im . H e w ants good for you so

long as you adhere to H is com m ands and guidance, and obey H is

com m ands and

avoid overstepping H is lim its and falling into that w hich H e has forbidden.

Y ou do not know , perhaps this calam ity has befallen you so that A llaah

m ight

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w ard off thereby som ething that is even w orse; perhaps A llaah has w arded

off

thereby som e m ajor sins and som e destructive calam ity w ithout you

realizing.S o think positively of your Lord and believe that H e w ill bring you forth

from this calam ity as a hair is pulled out of dough.

2 ‒ Trials require patience and seeking rew ard. A llaah has

praised those w ho are patient in H is B ook and has prepared for them a

rew ard

like no other, as H e says (interpretation of the m eaning):

O nly those w ho are patient shall receive their rew ard in

full, w ithout reckoning

[39:10]

The P rophet (peace and blessings of A llaah be upon him )

also praised patience and those w ho have the characteristic of patience. H e

said ‒ in a hadeeth (prophetic narration) w hose authenticity is agreed upon‒ as w as narrated by A bu S a eed al-K hudri (m ay A llaah be pleased w ith

him ): …w hoever is patient

A llaah w ill bestow patience upon him , and no one is ever given anything

better and m ore generous than patience. N arrated by al-B ukhaari and

M uslim .

S o you have to be patient, for it is your provision at tim es

of calam ity and tim es of ease.

3 ‒ M edical doctors say that diagnosis is tw o-thirds of the

cure. From exam ining w hat you say about your situation in your question, it

is clear that your problem is neither physical nor psychological, som ething

that can be treated by a psychologist; rather it is persistent w asw aas

(satanic w hispers) that is affecting you in an im portant aspect of your life.

W asw aas is a serious

disease, w hich if it takes hold of a person m ay lead to his doom and m ay put

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som e people beyond the pale of Islam ‒ w e ask A llaah to keep us safe and

sound. B ut, praise be to A llaah, your w asw aas does not have to do w ith

aqeedah (creed) or basic m atters of Islam , or w ith acts of w orship or the

pillars of Islam , rather it has to do w ith your hesitation to get m arried and inbuying and selling, as you say. A lthough this seem s to you to be a big

issue, it is in fact m inor, if you com pare it to the w asw aas experienced by

other people about tahaarah (purification). For som e people m ay do ghusl

(bath) several tim es, after w hich they are not certain that they are now in a

state of purity, or they m ay do w udoo (ablution) m ore than ten tim es and

still not be certain that they

have w udoo . P erhaps a person catches up w ith the opening takbeer (of

prayer) w ith the im am but he m isses the first rak ah (unit of prayer)becausehe is trying to

do the opening takbeer (A llahu A kbar), then he com pletes his prayer and

does not know w hether he has done it or not. P raise be to A llaah, no such

thing is

happening w ith you.

H ence your cure w ill be achieved in the follow ing steps, in

sha A llaah.

1 ‒ Y ou should understand that w asw aas com es from the

S haytaan, and in fact A llaah calls the shaytaan the w asw aas (the w hisperer)

in S oorat al-N aas, as is w ell know n. This m eans that you have to declare

w ar on the shaytaan and rem em ber that he is the one w ho started it w ith

you

and that he is the one w ho transgressed against you and tricked you andw anted to deny you your rights, so do not turn your back to him or show him

your w eakness, for he is w eak and defeated, and w ithdraw easily. S o be of

good cheer, and be certain that you can overcom e him so long as you are

w ith

A llaah. A llaah says (interpretation of the m eaning):

… hold fast to A llaah [i.e. have confidence in A llaah,and depend upon H im in all your affairs]. H e is your M aw la (P atron, Lord),

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w hat an E xcellent M aw la (P atron, Lord) and w hat an E xcellent H elper!

[22:78]

2 ‒ Y ou should read S oorat al-B aqarah a great deal, and

com plete it every three nights, and if you do that w hile praying qiyaam

al-layl that is better. It is proven that our P rophet (peace and

blessings of A llaah be upon him ) said: R ead the Q uraan, for it w ill com e

on the D ay of R esurrection interceding for its com panions. R ead the tw o

bright ones, al-B aqarah and S oorat A al Im raan, for they w ill com e on the

D ay of R esurrection like tw o clouds or shadow s, or like tw o flocks of birds

in ranks, pleading on behalf of their com panions. R ead S oorat al-B aqarahfor

reciting it regularly is a blessing and forsaking it is a loss, and the

m agicians cannot w ithstand it. N arrated by M uslim .

The devils cannot bear to hear S oorat al-B aqarah; they flee

from it and w eaken before the one w ho recites it, and they are afraid of it.

It is proven in a hadeeth that A bu H urayrah (m ay A llaah be pleased w ith

him )said: The M essenger of A llaah (peace and blessings of A llaah be upon

him ) said: D o not m ake your houses into graves, for the S haytaan flees

from

a house in w hich S oorat al-B aqarah is recited. N arrated by M uslim (780).

3 ‒ A lw ays recite the dhikrs for various occasions, such as

the dhikrs for m orning and evening, the dhikrs for going to sleep, entering

the m osque or the hom e, entering and leaving the w ash-room , dhikrs foreating, drinking and putting on clothes, and so on, for in all of them there

is a great benefit for you and they w ill prevent the shaytaan from reaching

you.

4 ‒ S ay a lot of du aa . Turning to your Lord w ith du aa

w ill bring you relief and deliver you from this trial. Y ou should seek out

for that the tim es w hen du aa s are likely to be answ ered, and allocate a

tim e for du aa every night during the last third of the night, in the lastpart of the day on Friday, and follow ing the prescribed prayers. P ray for

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everyone w ho is afflicted w ith calam ity for the angels say am een to your

du aa and say M ay you have likew ise. P ray a great deal for forgiveness

and repent to A llaah, for A llaah has prom ised a great deal of good to the

one w ho prays for forgiveness. A llaah says (interpretation of the m eaning):

I said (to them ): A sk forgiveness from your Lord,

verily, H e is O ft-Forgiving;

H e w ill send rain to you in abundance,

A nd give you increase in w ealth and children, andbestow on you gardens and bestow on you rivers.

[71:10-12]

5 ‒ In all of that it is essential for you to do your utm ost

to w ard off the w asw aas and treat yourself by convincing yourself that you

are norm al and that you do not have a problem ; you should w ard off all

thought that m ay w eaken you. Y ou should rem em ber that all of this stem sfrom

one source, w hich is the w asw aas, and overcom ing it is easy, by A llaah s

Leave.

6 ‒ S eek the help of A llaah and go ahead and get m arried.

S eek the help of your fam ily and sincere friends to do that. W e know ‒

personally ‒ som eone w ho had the sam e problem , w hose situation w as

exactlythe sam e as yours, or w orse. Then som e of his brothers and sincere friends

forced him to get m arried, after they had m ade sure that he w as not

suffering from a physical problem . Then A llaah helped him and relieved his

distress, and his m arriage becam e norm al like anyone else s.

7 ‒ There is nothing w rong w ith consulting a psychologist and

using som e psychological treatm ents that m ay help in this case, because

w asw aas is also a kind of m ental illness that is w ell know n to thespecialists. S o there is nothing w rong w ith com bining the rem edies that w e

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have referred to above w ith psychological treatm ent.

I ask A llaah the A lm ighty, Lord of the M ighty Throne, to heal

you, and to hasten your relief and bring you happiness, for H e isA ll-H earing and E ver N ear.

A nd A llaah know s best.

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