John Q. Publik’s America:A Play

John Q. Publik is a wealthy New York businessman who has a disdain for foreigners and the use of languages besides English. He is leaving his office for the day.

But John, hear me out. The people hate big business. They hate it more and more every

day thanks to that upstart Bernard or Bernie or whatever.

Thinks he’s gonna be the big man in the White House.

Meanwhile, we’re like a dog with its tail between its legs.

Our sales are plummeting, and no one wants to buy stock

anymore. Are you just gonna sit there and let them call the

shots? No!

So you make the deal with Tom and his crooks, fix up the Lower

East end, make it all nice and pretty with a big fancy ribbon to cut, and the public will love ya! And we’ll love the huge sales

and shares. Simple.

No, no, and no Stan! I will not smear my family’s good name in

that part of Manhattan. Look, we’ve known each other for

twenty years now, from when your father worked for my father.

I know you’re loyal, hell, I’d even call ya a friend. But the lion does not eat at the same table as the mouse. Publik Incorporated will

not dirty its name with immigrants. I will hear no more

of this.

Spend this weekend with your family, Stan, it’s the

last one before peak season. Oh, and have a happy Fourth of July!

You too, John, you too.

John Q. Publik is chauffeured to his

penthouse in a wealthy Long Island

neighborhood.

Chaiyya, chaiyya –

Shah Rukh! What did I tell

you about Bollywood?

There already enough problems in America

besides wannabe Indian Hollywood. But,

sir, youtube people have dubsmash of

Chaiyya Chaiyya and Michael Jackson –

I will dock you a day’s pay.

Sorry sir. Not happen again.

Happy July four.

When John arrives at his home, he pours himself a

drink and goes to bed, only to wake up to bed

that July 3, only to wake up to a July 4 one hundred

years in the past.

Dammit! I need a copy of those blueprints from

Stan.

John jumps out of bed, alarmed.

John picks up his phone to call Stan, but is dismayed to find

that there is no service. Well since it’s

Shah Rukh’s day off, I guess I’m just

going to have to drive myself over

to Stan’s.

John gets in his car and drives to the heart of the city,

increasingly troubled by the unfamiliar cityscape.

This doesn’t look like

New York...

When the course of a Fourth of July parade blocks any further progress, John decides to give up on the blueprints and enjoy the sight. Eventually, John sees a banner that shows the real

date: July 4, 1915.

JULY 4, 1915

JULY 4, 1915

July 4, 1915! It can’t be! You sir, what is the date?

July 4, 1915. It says so right there on that banner.

John Q. Publik backs away from the scene, dazed. He comes

across a group of Italian immigrants selling oranges.

Buongiorno signor! Would you like an

orange? Five cents! Nice and fresh!

I must be in hell!

Are you feeling well, signor?

John Q. Publik once again runs away, this time

encountering a busy street market.

Das bread for you, herr sir? Shalom! A

wood carving for your home

mentsh?

Señor! Señor! Cerveza of the

finest quality for you, for you price

3 cents!Néih hóu! Fortune calendar tell you

your future! Like to try?

John Q. Publik runs away for a third time. He comes face-to-face with a man who closely resembles himself. The man is sweeping the ground in

front of a shop whose sign reads Publik Lebensmittelgeschäft.

Intrigued, John begins to approach the man, who is revealed to be his

great-grandfather.

Publik Lebensmittelgeschäft

Guten tag! Can I help you?

Who is the owner of this

store? I am. Herr Publik. Who is asking?

A distant relative. Uh, I am Herr

Jürgen. I don’t know a Herr Jürgen and you are

no Deutscher!

Publik Lebensmittelgeschäft

Well, that’s because my grandfather left for America fifty years ago. His brother, your grandfather Johann

stayed in Germany. We tried to write but it was

impossible.

Yes, we did always wonder what happened

to that duncof Jochim...very well, what

is it you want Herr Jürgen?

Do you have any children?

Only one! And what would you want with Johann? ! Mein Gott, Jochim’s side of the family was always a little geistesrank.

Publik Lebensmittelgeschäft

And when was he born?

Duncofs, all of you! If you must know, it was

December 1, 1900.So it’s true! The lion is no

different from mouse! Thank you, great-

grandfather Johann!

What crazy schieße runs in mein family! It was nice talking to you

cousin Jürgen, but if you don’t mind, I have

work to do.Of course, of course. Auf wiedersehen! Tell the younger Johann that I will see him in

about fifty-five years!

Duncof with half-brain.

Everything begins to spin. John Q. Public closes his

eyes, and when he opens them, he is back in the

present day, staring at his own company’s building.

John, are you even listening? The people hate big business. They hate it more and more every day thanks to Bernie

Sanders. Our sales are plummeting, and no one wants

to buy stock anymore.

Are you just gonna sit there? You have to take the deal with Tom. Fix up the Lower East End

with a nice ribbon-cutting ceremony, and the public will

be yours! As will huge sales and shares. Simple.

You know what, Stan? I think that sounds like a great idea. And I think we should expand our

community outreach agency.

John, what’s happened to you? It almost

sounds like you have a heart!

Shah Rukh Khan arrives.

Sir?

Shah Rukh! Have you heard the dubsmash of

Michael Jackson and Chaiyya Chaiyya yet?