cara mengatasi penolakan

8/3/2019 Cara mengatasi penolakan

1/27


2/27

talk, think, believe, and function. They become the three-dimensional clones of the

``role models'' they so desperately need to emulate in order to gain acceptance.

Underlying process in the power of ``peer pressure'' that grabs hold and makes

people act in stereotypic, ``pop'' culture, counter culture, punk, new wave, preppie,

yuppie, and other styles. They crave recognition and acceptance from the

reference group with whom they want to be identified.

Energy-robbing attitude that leads to self immobilization, self-defeating, and self-

destructive behavior. This attitude encourages ongoing irrational thinking and

behavior, resulting in personal stagnation, regression, and depression.

Driving force of some people for all actions in their lives. It plays a part in their

choices concerning their education, career direction, work behavior, achievement

level, interpersonal and marital relationships, family and community life, and the

ways in which they spend leisure time.

Act of giving to others more power than I give to myself over how I feel about

myself. What the others say or feel about me is the determinant of how I feel


3/27

about myself. I am completely at the mercy of others for how happy or sad I will

be. My self-satisfaction and belief in myself is in their hands. Fear of rejection is

the abdication of power and control over my own life.

What common behavior patterns exist for people who operate out of a fear of

rejection?

People who operate out of a fear of rejection:

Display little or no assertiveness. Do not speak up and let others know how they

feel about something, especially if their opinions differ.

Function as enablers. They have neither the courage nor the ability to assist

others in discontinuing self-destructive behavior, e.g., alcohol or drug abuse,

underachievement or workaholism.

Lack the courage to function differently from others, even when they don't enjoy

the behavior in which they are involved.

Resort to passive/aggressive behavior; that is dishonest, sneaky, and allows for no

open communication.


4/27

Play games with people. They will keep their personal feelings hidden. They are in

tune with what is in and make every effort to emulate it in their lives.

Privately express a great deal of anger or depression over how unfortunate and

unhappy their current lifeBstyle is. Yet, when helped to look at alternatives

involving confrontation with others, they take a ``yes, Y but'' attitude.

Are confused as to their true identity, wearing ``masks'' to please others.

Become so obsessed with functioning, looking, and acting in a ``prescribed''

manner that they become rigid, inflexible, and closed to alternative behavior. This

is true even if they are unhappy in the lifeBstyle they hold to so rigidly.

Are dishonest with themselves, so much so that it carries over into their

interactions with others and they become habitual liars.

How do others react to people who operate out of a fear of rejection?


5/27

People who care for the person who operates out of fear of rejection:

* Encourage the person to be more assertive.

* Plead with the person to change their style of life and to become true to

themselves.

* Recognize the lies and find it hard to trust the integrity and honesty of the

person.

* Become turned off to the person's behavior, which they know to be unreal.

* Become frustrated when their offers of help to the person continuously go

ignored.

* Find themselves asking the person how they are feeling in fear that they will tell

them.

* Become nervous around the person, afraid that their discomfort with the

person's unfortunate choice of life style will be misread as rejection or

disapproval.

* Find it difficult to carry on a normal conversation with the person because the

problems emanating out of fear of rejection are, sadly, always evident.

* Recognize that the person for whom they care is in a self-defeating, dead-end

cycle.


6/27

* Begin to avoid the person so much so that it looks like an out and out rejection of

the person for whom they care.

Result: The person who operates out of a fear of rejection ends up pushing away

the very friends, family, and helpers who care for him. The pulling away of these

caring ones appears to be rejection, and the vicious cycle goes on with negative

results.

Those whom the person fears being rejected by:

* Take the person for granted.

* Do not recognize that he is making great sacrifices to be accepted by them.

* Ignore the rights of the person.

* Apply pressure consciously or unconsciously for the person to continue to

conform to their desires or wishes.

* Play on guilt feelings and press for ``their way'' so that ``awful'' consequences

can be avoided.

* Are unaware that the person fears their rejection and do not take this person

seriously.


7/27


8/27

separation that deeply scarred them.

* Be bound up in irrational thinking and realize that this behavior is neither rational

nor necessary.

* Have lacked appropriate role models in life who accepted them for who they

really were.

* Be insecure in their personal identity, with a debilitating lack of self-confidence.

* Have never been exposed to healthy ways of dealing with conflict or

disagreement.

* Lack the social skills to adapt to a reference group.

* Have suffered from social isolation in their early lives.

* Lack certain personal accomplishments, which they feel set them apart and which

contribute to their lack of self-confidence.

* Be unaware that they are operating out of a fear of rejection and may even deny

it if it is pointed out to them.

* Have a physical condition that they believe makes them unattractive to others.

* Have been told all their life that they were ``second best'' or different.

Steps to overcome the fear of rejection


9/27

Step 1: Read through the material in this chapter and decide whether or not you

operate out of a fear of rejection.

Step 2: Identify in your journal the person(s) from whom you fear rejection.

The people whose rejection I fear include:

Step 3:Identify in your journal how your fear of rejection is displayed in your

behavior toward the people you identified in Step 2.

The behavior patterns reflecting my fear of rejection include:

Step 4: Identify in your journal healthy, productive, and rational alternative

behavior patterns to those identified in Step 3.

Alternative behavior patterns to those coming from my fear of rejection include:

Step 5: Identify in your journal what the consequences would be of using the

alternative behavior patterns listed in Step 4.


10/27

The consequences of using alternative behavior patterns would be:

Step 6: Identify in your journal what obstacles, other than your fear of rejection,

exist in your adopting the alternative behavior listed in Step 4.

The obstacles that block my adopting the alternative behavior in Step 4 include:

Step 7: Analyze the obstacles listed in Step 6 and identify in your journal whether

they are irrational beliefs or actual obstacles to change. If they are irrational

beliefs use the Tools for Coping Series refutation of irrational beliefs, in Tools for

Personal Growth. If the obstacles are not irrational beliefs use the five

dimensional problem-solving model found in Productive Problem Solving, to find

alternatives to rid yourself of these obstacles.

Step 8: Implement alternate behavior patterns not based on a fear of rejection.

Step 9: If you still have problems and are operating out of a fear of rejection,


11/27

return to Step 1 and begin again. A professional or objective helper may be

necessary to guide you.

APA PENOLAKAN ITU SAKIT RASANYA?

THE GISTBeing socially rejected doesnt just feel bad. It hurts.

THESOURCE Social Rejection Shares Somatosensory Representations With

Physical Pain, by Ethan F. Kross, Marc G. Berman, Walter Mischel, Edward E. Smith

and Tor D. Wager; published in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.

NOBODY would deny that being ostracized on the playground, mocked in a sales

meeting or broken up with over Twitter feels bad. But the sting of social rejection

may be more like the ouch! of physical pain than previously understood.

New research suggests that the same areas in the brain that signify physical pain

are activated at moments of intense social loss. When we sat around and thought

about the most difficult emotional experiences, we all agreed that it doesnt get

any worse than social rejection, said the studys lead author, Ethan F. Kross, an

assistant professor of psychology at the University of Michigan.

The image of a bunch of social scientists inflicting pain on laboratory volunteers

seems creepily Mengelian, but in this case the experiments involved were markedly


12/27

less cruel. First off, the subjects werent socially rejected by the laboratory

technicians each of the 40 volunteers was recruited specifically because he or

she felt intensely rejected as a result of a recent (unwanted) breakup.

Once in the lab, participants were hooked up to functional M.R.I. scanners, which

measure brain activity. They were then asked to look at photos of their former

lovers and brood over a specific rejection experience involving that person. (Sob.)

Later, they were asked to look at a photograph of a friend and to think about a

recent positive experience they had with that person.

On to more fun! Next was the physical pain component, also in two parts. First,

participants experienced noxious thermal stimulation on their left forearms (the

hot trial), simulating the experience of spilling hot coffee on themselves. Then,

they underwent a second, nonnoxious thermal stimulation (the warm trial).

Technicians monitored their brain activity to see which areas lighted up.

Lo and behold, bad breakups and hot coffee elicited a similar response in the brain,

at least as measured by fMRI machines.

Previous research had shown that while social rejection hurt, it did not activate

parts of the brain associated with physical distress. But this team found that when

the emotional pain was awful enough, those parts of the brain were affected as


13/27

well, and in equal part. According to the authors, the emotional pain simulated in

previous experiments (being told a stranger dislikes them, looking at rejection-

themed paintings) wasnt powerful enough to elicit a true-to-life response. We

were shocked because no prior research had demonstrated this same connection,

Dr. Kross said.

What the team doesnt yet know is what region of the body feels the physical pain

or whether its diffused. And while people have long taken painkillers to cope with

emotional distress, theres no telling, in this instance, whether a Tylenol can help.

Dealing with rejection - How to get past the hurt?

Dealing with rejection is something we've all had to face in our lifetimes, but there

is probably no rejection that hurts worse than that of the opposite sex. I think

some of the worst words in the English language are, "you're not my type" or " I

don't like you like that." I have faced rejection a couple of times so I speak from

experience when I say rejection can leave you feeling devastated.


14/27

I remember when I was in high school and I really liked this girl that lived across

the street from me. In many ways, I look at her as my first love. I spent a lot of

time hanging out with this girl, trying to get her to like me. I thought deep in my

heart that the feelings I had for her were mutual. After all, she seemed to care

for me as much as I did for her, but as I would later find out, the relationship was

very one sided.

No matter the type of rejection you are suffering, be it personal from other

sources, such as the rejection of a manuscript from a publisher, there are simple

steps you can take in dealing with rejection and getting past the hurt.

y There is an end to the pain. The problem with rejection is that it hurts

and depending on the circumstances, it may take a while to get over. What

you tell yourself is what you will believe, so tell yourself that no matter

what, you are going to get through this and move on. It is always helpful to

focus on the end of the hurt and pain rather than focusing on the pain itself.

There is some truth to the old adage of dusting yourself off and getting

back on the horse that threw you. Focusing on the rejection and the hurt

only strengthens the pain.


15/27

y Don't take it personally. This is probably the hardest thing to do because,of course, most people take rejection personally. I know when my first love

rejected me, I spent a long time trying to figure out what was wrong with

me. Then I realized maybe it was not me that was at the center of the

rejection! Perhaps I was not the type person she felt herself led to be with

in a relationship other than friendship. So try not to take it personally when

you're rejected: it may not have anything to do with you!

y Learn and move on. Truthfully, the only way to get over rejection is to learnfrom the rejection and move on. Being rejected by someone is not the end of

anything; it is the beginning of learning. We need to take the time and

effort to work out for ourselves the reason or reasons we were rejected in

the first place. This will give us the necessary information we need to

overcome the rejection so we can move on.

I was still very close to the girl who rejected me. I talked to her about why

she rejected me and found out that I was a little tame for her liking. This

information helped me to see the rejection for what it was: a difference in

our value systems. I was able to move on with my life. Confronting the person


16/27

who rejected you doesn't always work. If you feel approaching your rejecter

would lead to more problems, you shouldn't do it.

y Turn rejection into acceptance. I can assure you the pain does lesson and

the hurt does go away if you let it. You must turn the rejection into an

acceptance of yourself for who you are and not what you feel the other

person wants you to be. Do not try to change yourself only to impress

someone else because eventually you may come to resent it. Sooner or later

someone will accept you as the person you are and will feel the same way

about you that you feel about them. It only takes time and patience.

To sum it all up, dealing with rejection and getting past the hurt is not easy, but it

can be done. You need to get up, learn from the experience, and move on with your

life. It is that simple but also that complicated. I can tell you from experience that

there are times I still look back and wonder, "what if?" Then, I look at where I am

now and think to myself, "I really would not change a thing!"

Langkah penting mengatasi penolakan


17/27

Rejection creates a feeling of being unwanted which then reduces self esteem. The

more intimate the relationship in which rejection is experienced, the greater the

damage done, and the more challenging it can be to overcome the effects.

Although rejection may occur in entirely different spheres of human relationships,

it generally conveys the same messages of non-acceptance such as:

There is something wrong with you.

You are disliked.

You will never change.

You do not belong in this group.

You are at fault / you did something wrong, or unacceptable.

You are not one of us.


18/27

The ability to subvert the harmful, long lasting effects of being rejected depends

on your ability to understand the behavior of the individual who rejects, the way

you choose to interpret the messages conveyed by rejection, and how you choose

to integrate those messages into your sense of self.

That is right! Your response to rejection, the power it exacts, or does not exact

over you is a CHOICE. I hope this article empowers you today by the knowledge

that you can be completely unscathed by what is otherwise a very ego damaging

experience simply by choosing not to internalize the negative message you have

received.

Rejection assigns blame; it is by assigning blame that the party, who is rejecting

the other party, is able to feel absolved and free of any responsibility to work on

the relationship or situation. You (what you did, who you are, or what you did not

do), is the focus of rejection and the means by which the blame it assigns is

expressed.

This is why when coaching clients in effective communication techniques, I

generally encourage them to avoid the word YOU when issues arise and effective


19/27

and assertive communication is needed.

To avoid internalizing your experience of rejection, you must proactively make a

choice to face your fears, as well as express and share your experience no matter

how shameful. In doing so, you reduce your feeling of aloneness. As you face your

fears, and share the emotions provoked by your experience, you are sure to

encounter others with similar storiesmaybe worse. This is very vital in turning

the tide of being rejected, suddenly your focus shifts from you, and what you

may, or may not have done, to the knowledge that rejection is just an experience

like any other negative experience. It is not about you, because if it was, there

would not be so many others with similar stories, or worse.

Is rejection ever justified? In my opinion, this would be similar to asking if it is

ever justified to blame, fault-find, or condemn. Rejection begins with and ends by

identifying the faults in the other party. It never acknowledges the strengths, the

untapped potential, or change-ability of the individual. It is not an expression of

loyalty, and contributes nothing to a relationship except to absolve the person

blaming from any responsibility to engage in problem solving or remain loyal.


20/27

For anyone dealing with rejection, it is frequently not what was done, but how it

was done, what was said, and how the entire situation played out that ultimately

results in that sense of unworthiness. To overcome feeling rejected, you must

detach yourself from these memories of your experience and instead attach

yourself to the reality of your unknown potential.

How do you stop feeling that you earned the rejection you received because of

some fault in your personality, or deficiencies in your physical attributes, or

because you could not be all you were expected to be? Here is a little exercise: jot

down on a piece of paper, all the reasons for which you suspect, or maybe have even

been told, that you were not worthy of love or acceptance. Which of these reasons

detract from the uniqueness of who you are, the mysteries of your intrinsic gifts

and talents, and most important, the potential you have for change? If your answer

was None, then my response to you is to focus on your potential, not on the

condemning messages of what you did or did not do. Be empowered today, knowing

that you deserved that chance to evolve, to work on your potential, and you

deserved the chance to do it a non-judgmental environment.

Understanding the mechanisms of rejection and knowing that it is never, and I


21/27

repeat, never warranted or earned are the most fundamental keys to safeguarding

your self esteem and sense of self worth. This is a choice. You have to make a

choice about how you are going to understand the messages of rejection you

receive everyday, and how you are going to, or not going to, integrate these

messages into your psyche.

If you are struggling with rejection as a result of a divorce, childhood

abuse/neglect, discrimination, repeated failures, or any other acts of betrayal you

may need the help of a therapist to most effectively apply the techniques

discussed in this article. Group therapy is particularly helpful. Initial one-to-one

therapy may be necessary to prepare you for group work. Remember that facing

your fears, expressing and sharing your experience, no matter how shameful, is

vital in overcoming the aloneness that rejection creates and which sustains its

impact.

Make a choice today to focus on the dynamic you and your untapped potential and

you will be unscathed by any experiences of rejection.


22/27

Mengatasi penolakan

Human nature is very complex. Men have learned to be strong, competitive and

courageous in times of danger. History has shown that we are able to conquer our

fears and reach our goals -- as long as our will, conviction and desire are present.

Mankind has overcome the hardships of war and natural disasters. Yet there is one

natural fear that seems to overshadow most men: the fear of rejection. This

instinctive emotion paralyzes and hinders us from doing the things we really want

to do, including meeting women. Some men are so afraid of rejection that they

would rather run through a minefield than walk up to a woman and ask her out on a

date.

The need to feel desirable and part of a group is inevitable, and some people will

place themselves in extreme circumstances just to preserve that feeling of

belonging. A good example is when teenagers take their first haul of a cigarette

due to peer pressure and fear of rejection. But there is a very simple way to

overcome this crippling emotion: Develop a greater fear of regret.


23/27

My father hit the nail on the head when he told me that I wouldn't regret the

times that I made a complete fool of myself, but rather the times that I didn't

try something out of fear. I learned that valuable lesson way back in my early 20s.

I had a crazy crush on this sweet girl, but I was too concerned with rejection to

ask her out.

A few years later, I bumped into her at a friend's party and found out that she

also used to have a thing for me. I finally let her know that I'd had a crush on her,

to which she replied, "Why didn't you do or say anything?" Wouldn't you know it --

a question I ask myself constantly. Of course, it was too late because she had

already gotten married. I hope my misfortune will encourage more men to spring

into action and let go of this ridiculous inhibition.

you're not her type

Most men fear rejection because it lowers their self-esteem. But there is really no

reason to lose any confidence when women say "no" because they aren't really

rejecting you. How could they be rejecting you when they don't even know what

you're all about? It's not like they studied your personality and qualities before

deciding to refuse you. Maybe they declined your offer because:

y They're dating someone or married.


24/27

y They're having a bad day.y They like you, but have their protective shield up.y

They don't feel like talking to anyone -- even Brad Pitt.

The important thing to remember is that no one in this world can appeal to

everyone's tastes. Each woman has her preferences, so if she rejects you, it just

means that you don't fit the description of what she desires. You should approach

as many women as possible in order to increase your chances of finding one that is

looking for a guy like you.

true rejection

If you think that women who reject your drink offers or date requests are

frightening, you don't know what true rejection is about. Once a man sees what

true rejection is, he realizes how childish it is to fear approaching unfamiliar

women.

True rejection occurs when a woman rejects a man with whom she has spent a

considerable amount of time. It is the ultimate rejection because the man is

dismissed due to his all-around identity.

One of my good friends had his heart ripped out by his fiance, who left him after


25/27

six years of what he thought was a wonderful relationship -- now that's rejection.

In fact, you would think that his self-esteem took a beating and that he has a hard

time approaching women, but he talks to new women all the time. I asked him how

he does it and he explained that once you get the ultimate rejection, everything

else is like a walk in the park.

I always had a "fear of rejection" until I decided to overcome it, especially after I

witnessed what true rejection is all about. All you have to do is start up a

conversation and the rest will fall into place. I don't mean corny pickup lines; I

mean an honest conversation. Here are some suggestions.

y Once you notice the "buying signals" (eye contact, touching hair, and so on),walk directly up to her and introduce yourself. You can start by asking if you

can join her for a drink. If she says yes, ask her name. If she's interested,

she'll ask the same. If she doesn't ask, it's not the end of the world; just

keep the lines of communication open.

y Keep the conversation interesting; focus on her and really listen to what she

says. Then, follow up with another question that links with what she just

finished saying. For example:

You: "Do you have a job?"


26/27

Her: "Yes and I'm also studying."

You: "Wow, you're a busy woman!"

Her: "Yes, there are days when I feel like I'm just going to collapse."

You: "I bet you're looking forward to a vacation?"

Her: "Oh yes, I just can't wait to get away for a while."

You: "And what would your ideal vacation spot be?"

This is just one example of many possible conversations. The idea is to listen to her

and follow up with a correlating question. When this method is properly applied, it

will keep the conversation interesting.

close the deal

Most men make the mistake of carrying on a conversation without closing the deal;

that is, they don't ask for the woman's phone number. Here are a couple of ways to

broach the "phone number" subject.


27/27

y "I had a great time talking with you and I'd like to see you again. Why don'tyou give me your number so that we can do this again?"

y "You're really easy to talk to, can I have your number so that we can talkagain sometime?"

fear not

The next time you get the big "No thanks," just remember that it's not the end of

the world). Women who refuse you are just strangers who have no idea what a nice

guy you are. So straighten up those shoulders and move on to the next woman that

catches your eye.

cara mengatasi penolakan

Documents